have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
