Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
