I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
