her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
