I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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