So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
