Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
