i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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