Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
