I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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