Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The best revenge is premature balding
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
