The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
