she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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