allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
