So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
