My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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