i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
