I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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