Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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