Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
did you just send me my own nude
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
