if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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