she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
