the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
