U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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