i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
