I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i am craving dick and cupcakes
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
