whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he was CRYING into my vagina
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
