i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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