paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish you could order shots online.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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