I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
