I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
