im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
