Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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