The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
