I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
