Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
