Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
