Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
