I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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