The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
