Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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