Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
