The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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