3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
