he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
