i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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