my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
