Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
