im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
