I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
